Divorce... What the bible actually says...

I have been studying divorce recently.   Of course that is selfish.  I am hoping for God to send my love back to me someday.  For that to happen... she has to get divorced.   So to ease my mind, and my heart, I have to know what the word actually says about divorce.  And here is what I came up with after weeks of reading and prayer.

First off, God does not want anyone in an unhealthy, unloving situation.   He wants a relationship with everyone.  Even the worst people you have ever met or will meet, God wants a relationship with. But Marriage is not a guaranty, not promised by the scripture.  And people who are severely flawed are better off being single, and seeking God on their own. Marriage is meant to honor and glorify God.  Not to solve problems.

What God has joined together... is the fundamental precept of christian marriage.   Not what man has joined together.   This concept is fundamental to Christian marriage.   So many marriages are entered into with out God's guidance.  With out God's blessing.   Are these Godly unions?  I don't believe they are.  In other words these are not marriages joined together by God.   The words spoken at a marriage are not magical.  It is the intentions written and blessed by God on the hearts of two people. That is where the magic happens.

If someone marries on a whim, is that a Godly marriage?   Christ told us not to swear by heaven, but rather let your yes be yes, and your no be no.  If a marriage is entered into with out considerable prayer, and christian planning and christian counseling is it a marriage?   Again, yes, technically it is, but is it a christian marriage?   Again, I say no.  This is not Gods plan for marriage.  He wants to join you with someone so completely that it is as if you two are one person.   And that takes time, and prayer.

Clearly society is geared toward easy divorce.   But the church can not be.   The church must defend actual christian unions.   The church must defend actual christian marriage.  The church must work to promote and foster and nourish Christian marriage.  But what about marriage that was entered into with dishonesty?  What does the bible say about this?   What about abuse?   What does the bible say about this?  You will hear mouth breathing quasi theologians arguing that there is no provision in the bible for divorce due to abuse.   And technically they are correct.  If you believe the bible was written in English, you too can subscribe to that line of thinking.   But the truth is that abuse, and adultery, and addictions, and dishonesty are all forms of abandonment.   And an outward declaration of an inner life that is not Christian.

Unfortunately the bible is not specific... or maybe fortunately.  The bible gives 2 overwhelmingly clear reasons for Christian divorce.   The first being sexual infidelity.   The second being abandonment by an unbeliever.  This is the big one.  This is where the believer finds and encounters the will of God, and the love of God.   A Christian marriage will not put you into a situation that does not glorify God.  A christian marriage will not ask you to over look severe personality issues, or character flaws.  A christian marriage will honor and uphold you.   Not ask you to make excuses for someone.  A christian marriage will not ask you to forgive a large litany of sins.   Yes, we are covered in love, and love covers a large manner of sins.  But what is love?   Real love?  Real love is a Godly honest union of two people.  A union devoid of dishonesty.  A union where the two people are so close that they are like one person.   That is what the bible means.   The bible says that tearing apart two people who are married in this way... truly totally connected.  Is wrong.

But what about a situation where one person is hugely flawed?   Where that person has all kinds of addictions and other problems?  Where that person lied to begin the marriage?   What to do in that circumstance?   Well first of all is that a marriage?   Yes, technically is is probably a marriage.  But is it a Christian marriage?   No of course not.  Proverbs tells us that God hates lying.   Lying to someone about a loving relationship is especially vile.   This is certainly not a Godly Christian marriage.

Part of the problem with the bible and Divorce is that Christ is clear that sexual immorality is the only cause for divorce.   But is that true?  or is that just the only thing that we know he said for sure.  Just because he doesn't address abuse, and addiction, and dishonesty doesn't mean that he endorses those marriages.   And we as Christians often look to St. Paul as authoritative on these issues, but St. Paul clearly believes it is better off not to marry.  And he even tells us that he is expressing his opinion. What about the synoptic gospels?   They are also very clear.   That only sexual immorality and abandonment are reasons for divorce.

Here is where literal Christianity has problems.   What is abandonment?   I believe that abandonment means an abandonment of the marriage vows.   Not physical abandonment.   I am not talking about minor issues here.  I am talking about issues that are so in violation of the marriage vows that they are clear violations of God's will.   Clear violations of Gods purpose for ones own life and the life of their spouse.  Issues like abuse,  addiction,  prostitution, and general dishonesty.  What about a spouse who doesn't honor his wife?  Who literally thinks ill of their spouse?   That is a harder one.  Probably not abandonment, but still not a good situation, that can lead to emotional abandonment.

Fantasy

Sometimes I indulgence in fantasy to real to be true.   Sometimes I fall into day dreams too impossible to be true.  I dream she is coming back,  or trying to.  And I am in a position to find out what is true. To find out if she really cares. To find out if our love was real. 

The dreams are so real.  I  lose  myself.  And I don't know if that is healthy,  or pathetic.   But I know it prepares me for  the possibility of her return.   for the inevitability of the day when she comes back. 

I know where she will sit,  I know where I will sit.  I know how the lighting will be.   I know her every reaction to our conversation. I know how beautiful she will be to me after all this time. Shes always been beautiful to me, even when we were kids.

I dream of what I will say, and what she will say.  I practice the conversation.  I practice not saying things that could cause a fight.  I practice saying things that abound with love, and which build healing and trust.  I have played the situation out a thousand times since she left.   I lose myself in it, and the emotions of that coming time are real to me.  Almost as real as they will be when it happens. I know not to allow my narcissistic nature to demand anything.  Just to enjoy a chance to be with her again.   Shell tell me what I need to know with out me demanding it.   I know not to try to impress her.  My faith and my recent success will handle that for me.   And I know to remember that she will be hurting.   Healing takes time.  I know to respect that, even if I can't respect what she did.   If I'm actually right about the quality of our love, the intensity of our love and about God's plan for us.   Everything will take care of itself.

So I think fantasy is healthy.  It is part of your belief system.  And we know that what ever we ask for in prayer and belief we will receive from the Lord.  Mark 11:24.   I have to believe that we will at least have a chance to try again.   When I pray the Lord is clear with me.  So I keep praying and I keep waiting on him.   I have prayed for release... and even now I get an overwhelming no.   I pray for her return... I get sooner than you think, longer than you want.   So what else can I do but pray.

I do spend time with other people.  I spend time with a great girl who is going through a similar situation.   She has been a great and godly support to me.   But mostly I pray and pray.

I will be doing a fast coming up.  No, I do not believe in the magical power of fasting.   I just want to display that discipline.   I know the lord will bless me and my family whether I fast or not.  I want to express that devotion to God.  24 hours with no food, only water.   I want to do this as a thanks to the Lord for being so good to me.