Sometimes I indulgence in fantasy to real to be true. Sometimes I fall into day dreams too impossible to be true. I dream she is coming back, or trying to. And I am in a position to find out what is true. To find out if she really cares. To find out if our love was real.
The dreams are so real. I lose myself. And I don't know if that is healthy, or pathetic. But I know it prepares me for the possibility of her return. for the inevitability of the day when she comes back.
I know where she will sit, I know where I will sit. I know how the lighting will be. I know her every reaction to our conversation. I know how beautiful she will be to me after all this time. Shes always been beautiful to me, even when we were kids.
I dream of what I will say, and what she will say. I practice the conversation. I practice not saying things that could cause a fight. I practice saying things that abound with love, and which build healing and trust. I have played the situation out a thousand times since she left. I lose myself in it, and the emotions of that coming time are real to me. Almost as real as they will be when it happens. I know not to allow my narcissistic nature to demand anything. Just to enjoy a chance to be with her again. Shell tell me what I need to know with out me demanding it. I know not to try to impress her. My faith and my recent success will handle that for me. And I know to remember that she will be hurting. Healing takes time. I know to respect that, even if I can't respect what she did. If I'm actually right about the quality of our love, the intensity of our love and about God's plan for us. Everything will take care of itself.
So I think fantasy is healthy. It is part of your belief system. And we know that what ever we ask for in prayer and belief we will receive from the Lord. Mark 11:24. I have to believe that we will at least have a chance to try again. When I pray the Lord is clear with me. So I keep praying and I keep waiting on him. I have prayed for release... and even now I get an overwhelming no. I pray for her return... I get sooner than you think, longer than you want. So what else can I do but pray.
I do spend time with other people. I spend time with a great girl who is going through a similar situation. She has been a great and godly support to me. But mostly I pray and pray.
I will be doing a fast coming up. No, I do not believe in the magical power of fasting. I just want to display that discipline. I know the lord will bless me and my family whether I fast or not. I want to express that devotion to God. 24 hours with no food, only water. I want to do this as a thanks to the Lord for being so good to me.
I know where she will sit, I know where I will sit. I know how the lighting will be. I know her every reaction to our conversation. I know how beautiful she will be to me after all this time. Shes always been beautiful to me, even when we were kids.
I dream of what I will say, and what she will say. I practice the conversation. I practice not saying things that could cause a fight. I practice saying things that abound with love, and which build healing and trust. I have played the situation out a thousand times since she left. I lose myself in it, and the emotions of that coming time are real to me. Almost as real as they will be when it happens. I know not to allow my narcissistic nature to demand anything. Just to enjoy a chance to be with her again. Shell tell me what I need to know with out me demanding it. I know not to try to impress her. My faith and my recent success will handle that for me. And I know to remember that she will be hurting. Healing takes time. I know to respect that, even if I can't respect what she did. If I'm actually right about the quality of our love, the intensity of our love and about God's plan for us. Everything will take care of itself.
So I think fantasy is healthy. It is part of your belief system. And we know that what ever we ask for in prayer and belief we will receive from the Lord. Mark 11:24. I have to believe that we will at least have a chance to try again. When I pray the Lord is clear with me. So I keep praying and I keep waiting on him. I have prayed for release... and even now I get an overwhelming no. I pray for her return... I get sooner than you think, longer than you want. So what else can I do but pray.
I do spend time with other people. I spend time with a great girl who is going through a similar situation. She has been a great and godly support to me. But mostly I pray and pray.
I will be doing a fast coming up. No, I do not believe in the magical power of fasting. I just want to display that discipline. I know the lord will bless me and my family whether I fast or not. I want to express that devotion to God. 24 hours with no food, only water. I want to do this as a thanks to the Lord for being so good to me.
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