Divorce... What the bible actually says...

I have been studying divorce recently.   Of course that is selfish.  I am hoping for God to send my love back to me someday.  For that to happen... she has to get divorced.   So to ease my mind, and my heart, I have to know what the word actually says about divorce.  And here is what I came up with after weeks of reading and prayer.

First off, God does not want anyone in an unhealthy, unloving situation.   He wants a relationship with everyone.  Even the worst people you have ever met or will meet, God wants a relationship with. But Marriage is not a guaranty, not promised by the scripture.  And people who are severely flawed are better off being single, and seeking God on their own. Marriage is meant to honor and glorify God.  Not to solve problems.

What God has joined together... is the fundamental precept of christian marriage.   Not what man has joined together.   This concept is fundamental to Christian marriage.   So many marriages are entered into with out God's guidance.  With out God's blessing.   Are these Godly unions?  I don't believe they are.  In other words these are not marriages joined together by God.   The words spoken at a marriage are not magical.  It is the intentions written and blessed by God on the hearts of two people. That is where the magic happens.

If someone marries on a whim, is that a Godly marriage?   Christ told us not to swear by heaven, but rather let your yes be yes, and your no be no.  If a marriage is entered into with out considerable prayer, and christian planning and christian counseling is it a marriage?   Again, yes, technically it is, but is it a christian marriage?   Again, I say no.  This is not Gods plan for marriage.  He wants to join you with someone so completely that it is as if you two are one person.   And that takes time, and prayer.

Clearly society is geared toward easy divorce.   But the church can not be.   The church must defend actual christian unions.   The church must defend actual christian marriage.  The church must work to promote and foster and nourish Christian marriage.  But what about marriage that was entered into with dishonesty?  What does the bible say about this?   What about abuse?   What does the bible say about this?  You will hear mouth breathing quasi theologians arguing that there is no provision in the bible for divorce due to abuse.   And technically they are correct.  If you believe the bible was written in English, you too can subscribe to that line of thinking.   But the truth is that abuse, and adultery, and addictions, and dishonesty are all forms of abandonment.   And an outward declaration of an inner life that is not Christian.

Unfortunately the bible is not specific... or maybe fortunately.  The bible gives 2 overwhelmingly clear reasons for Christian divorce.   The first being sexual infidelity.   The second being abandonment by an unbeliever.  This is the big one.  This is where the believer finds and encounters the will of God, and the love of God.   A Christian marriage will not put you into a situation that does not glorify God.  A christian marriage will not ask you to over look severe personality issues, or character flaws.  A christian marriage will honor and uphold you.   Not ask you to make excuses for someone.  A christian marriage will not ask you to forgive a large litany of sins.   Yes, we are covered in love, and love covers a large manner of sins.  But what is love?   Real love?  Real love is a Godly honest union of two people.  A union devoid of dishonesty.  A union where the two people are so close that they are like one person.   That is what the bible means.   The bible says that tearing apart two people who are married in this way... truly totally connected.  Is wrong.

But what about a situation where one person is hugely flawed?   Where that person has all kinds of addictions and other problems?  Where that person lied to begin the marriage?   What to do in that circumstance?   Well first of all is that a marriage?   Yes, technically is is probably a marriage.  But is it a Christian marriage?   No of course not.  Proverbs tells us that God hates lying.   Lying to someone about a loving relationship is especially vile.   This is certainly not a Godly Christian marriage.

Part of the problem with the bible and Divorce is that Christ is clear that sexual immorality is the only cause for divorce.   But is that true?  or is that just the only thing that we know he said for sure.  Just because he doesn't address abuse, and addiction, and dishonesty doesn't mean that he endorses those marriages.   And we as Christians often look to St. Paul as authoritative on these issues, but St. Paul clearly believes it is better off not to marry.  And he even tells us that he is expressing his opinion. What about the synoptic gospels?   They are also very clear.   That only sexual immorality and abandonment are reasons for divorce.

Here is where literal Christianity has problems.   What is abandonment?   I believe that abandonment means an abandonment of the marriage vows.   Not physical abandonment.   I am not talking about minor issues here.  I am talking about issues that are so in violation of the marriage vows that they are clear violations of God's will.   Clear violations of Gods purpose for ones own life and the life of their spouse.  Issues like abuse,  addiction,  prostitution, and general dishonesty.  What about a spouse who doesn't honor his wife?  Who literally thinks ill of their spouse?   That is a harder one.  Probably not abandonment, but still not a good situation, that can lead to emotional abandonment.

Fantasy

Sometimes I indulgence in fantasy to real to be true.   Sometimes I fall into day dreams too impossible to be true.  I dream she is coming back,  or trying to.  And I am in a position to find out what is true. To find out if she really cares. To find out if our love was real. 

The dreams are so real.  I  lose  myself.  And I don't know if that is healthy,  or pathetic.   But I know it prepares me for  the possibility of her return.   for the inevitability of the day when she comes back. 

I know where she will sit,  I know where I will sit.  I know how the lighting will be.   I know her every reaction to our conversation. I know how beautiful she will be to me after all this time. Shes always been beautiful to me, even when we were kids.

I dream of what I will say, and what she will say.  I practice the conversation.  I practice not saying things that could cause a fight.  I practice saying things that abound with love, and which build healing and trust.  I have played the situation out a thousand times since she left.   I lose myself in it, and the emotions of that coming time are real to me.  Almost as real as they will be when it happens. I know not to allow my narcissistic nature to demand anything.  Just to enjoy a chance to be with her again.   Shell tell me what I need to know with out me demanding it.   I know not to try to impress her.  My faith and my recent success will handle that for me.   And I know to remember that she will be hurting.   Healing takes time.  I know to respect that, even if I can't respect what she did.   If I'm actually right about the quality of our love, the intensity of our love and about God's plan for us.   Everything will take care of itself.

So I think fantasy is healthy.  It is part of your belief system.  And we know that what ever we ask for in prayer and belief we will receive from the Lord.  Mark 11:24.   I have to believe that we will at least have a chance to try again.   When I pray the Lord is clear with me.  So I keep praying and I keep waiting on him.   I have prayed for release... and even now I get an overwhelming no.   I pray for her return... I get sooner than you think, longer than you want.   So what else can I do but pray.

I do spend time with other people.  I spend time with a great girl who is going through a similar situation.   She has been a great and godly support to me.   But mostly I pray and pray.

I will be doing a fast coming up.  No, I do not believe in the magical power of fasting.   I just want to display that discipline.   I know the lord will bless me and my family whether I fast or not.  I want to express that devotion to God.  24 hours with no food, only water.   I want to do this as a thanks to the Lord for being so good to me.  

Reflections on 2nd Corinthians 5: 17 -19

The Basics

First off,  where is Corinth?   Corinth is in Greece.  About half way between Sparta and Athens.   Corinth is on the strip of land that joins the main southern land mass (peninsula) with the main land of Greece.

The 2nd epistle to the church at Corinth was written by Paul (Saul) and Timothy.  We have two letters Paul wrote to the Church at Corinth.  But there is evidence in the letters that he wrote at least 4.   The severe letter, warning of sexual immorality.  We do not know what this says, but knowing Paul it probably calls for avoiding sex out of wed lock, and avoiding sexual practices that were considered immoral in the time.  Paul, was convinced Christ was coming back soon and you should be focused solely on that fact.    Also there is to my understanding some evidence that churches were using sex and seduction as part of their community practices and possibly recruiting practices.   First Corinthians, we have.   The letter of tears, is missing.  Some scholars think it is the same as the severe letter.  And we have 2nd Corinthians.

Paul visited the Church in Corinth at least twice.  But probably three times.    He wrote this letter from Ephesus.  Much of this letter is Paul defending himself after his first, sever visit. Many challenged his authority and apostleship and did not accept his points of view.  In his defense we gain a lot of hope.

verse 17 :  So then, if anyone is in Christ that person is part of the new creation.  The old things have gone away, and look, new things have arrived.

This is consistent with what I believe.   When I say,  "there is nothing to forgive" once a person comes to the Lord, or comes back to the Lord.   There is nothing to forgive.   An example  if someone is making terrible unhealthy choices, choices that are informed by a lack of emotional health.   Not mental illness, but just bad choices informed by fears, or informed by anxiety.  When they get healthy again, and start making good choices, there is nothing to forgive.  They were not themselves. Similarly, when someone comes to Christ, or returns to Christ, and they want forgiveness.  There is nothing to forgive.  They are a new creation.

verse 18:  All of these new things are from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and who gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 

Judgement of righteousness is God's alone.  It is not our place to judge others who are reconciled to God.  They are also new creations.  Not perfect creations.  New creations.  Who are we to judge if someone is now reconciled?

verse 19:  In other words, God was reconciling the world to himself through Christ, not by counting peoples sins against them.  He has trusted us with this message of reconciliation.

Furthering Paul's argument that reconciliation is God's doing.  And that we as believers are to accept those who claim reconciliation as their own.

I have loads of hope in this passage.  Hope for a reconciliation with the love of my life.   Hope that she will return to the Lord and that we can become what we were supposed to be husband and wife.   But I also know these things require human decision making.  And human flaws can get in the way of God's plans.  Even when they are obvious.

Reflections on Roamans 11:29 11:33

The Basics

Romans is a letter written by St. Paul to the Church in Rome.  Scholars all currently agree on this one. It is the longest of the letters of Paul that we have.  It is the 6th book in the new testament.  More than any other book it teaches us Paul's point of view.

The overwhelming theme of Romans is that salvation is for Jew and Gentile alike.   The letter was probably written when Paul was staying in Corinth with Gaius.  We know this because he mentions Erastus, who was a council member in Corinth, and a convert to Christianity.  Paul probably didn't actually pen the letter, he employed a scribe by this point in his ministry.

Because of the length of, and fullness of the text, we know with some certainty that the book was written in the winter of 55 AD or 56 AD.   Before the gathering of the saints in Jerusalem.   The letter was taken to Rome, most likely, by Phoebe, a deacon, who lived east of Corinth and who traveled to Rome.

In Romans 11, Paul makes clear his grasp of the old testament, quoting 1 Kings, Isaiah, Job, and Deuteronomy.

29: God's gifts and calling can't be taken back

So how do you know if you are called?  What are the gifts you have from God?  It says they can't be taken back.  Probably should say won't be taken back.  You can lose your gifts of your own choices, or by sickness or tragedy.   But God won't take them from you.   So I had a gift.  A miracle I had prayed for... and I lost it.  I had true love.  The real deal.  So how did I lose it?   Simple, I lost it.  I had some challenges in my life.  And rather than turning to her and turning to God.  I withdrew into a shell of worry, and self loathing, and doubt.   And who wants to be around that?  And overtime we grew apart.  Or should I say, she grew apart from me,  I took her love for granted.   NEVER TAKE YOUR GIFTS FOR GRANTED.   Pray daily thanking god for the gifts you have been blessed with.

33;  God's riches, wisdom, and knowledge are so deep! They are as mysterious as his judgments, and they are as hard to track as his paths!

Ok, this is a statement of wonder and awe.  But in the statement is the idea that you can not understand fully what God is up to.   He is beyond our understanding.  Once again, a little frail as an argument.  When something happens you don't understand you can simply say... well they are a mystery...  That is not what Paul means here.  Paul is expressing that you can never understand the reasons and fullness of the blessings and gifts you have been given.   So once again don't take them for granted. they will not be taken back, but you can lose them.   Paul is arguing in this chapter that God has not rejected his people.  He is pointing out that it is futile to try to understand God's judgement and his gifts.   That all you really need to do is have faith.  Well have faith expressed in prayer and gratitude.

1 peter 2 24-25 Commentary

I ask you all for prayers.   Know that I am right now praying for you as well.

The Basics

1st Peter is another book who's authorship is controversial.   1st Peter is typically attributed to Peter (yes Simon Peter).    But most scholars think at most he dictated the letter to Silvanus (his secretary) or more likely it is a letter written in Petrine tradition to the other churches, possibly influenced by Paul or Mark.

Probably written between 60-160 AD.   Sometime in this period the official persecution of Christians had begun, and included trials by fire, which is referenced in the text.   Peter was deceased by this time.  But could also just be a passionate turn of the Phrase by Peter.  Biblical scholars work tirelessly to examine deeply the historical efficacy of the texts.  It is in every way possible that Peter was in fact the author (even by dictation) of the letter.  I tend to favor this argument.   Biblical scholars tend to view the text as fixed in time, a rock for their analysis.  But I accept that the original letter may have been changed overtime, added to with a divine guiding hand.  So when you look at it in those terms,  the authorship of Peter seems very likely to me.

It was more than a letter to one church.  It went out to many churches.  Which I think strengthens the argument that Peter dictated this letter.

24 “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

This is really the beginning of paschal-ism.  The idea that Christ physically carried our sins to the cross.   It is an inspiring concept, but one that I struggle with.   The idea that Christ literally, not figuratively, but literally bore the sins of mankind in his body.   It is of course true, and in typical fashion, not really what was going on at the cross.   Think about it,  in the triune God head, this was literally God going to the cross for us.   Why?  the easy answer is love, his willingness to be a paschal sacrifice for us.   He didnt have to do this. He could have just said "poof you are all forgiven" But he went to the cross. He gives us the free will to remember that, to choose to return to the Shepherd.  That is the low flying approach, and the most important approach to this verse.  To display that our lives should be focused not on this world, where pain and suffering, and sin abound, but rather on heaven where we are united again with the Lord.  Sure, yes also a good interpretation.   But I think this is Peter acting like Peter,  he is a passionate man.  He often is subject to flares of emotion.   He is speaking with appropriate fire in this verse.   God's Love is worth that passion.  He is   simplifying things for a simple world.   "hey guys, he paid the price for you in pain and blood, so that you can be sin free and happy"  Remember Peter is talking about a friend here, not just his Lord.  He is speaking about a man who he is highly in touch with.  A man he traveled with, and ate with, and probably told jokes around a campfire with, so it is very personal to him.  He wants you to remember the sacrifice not just for your own sake, but also in honor of those feelings.  I get the concept of physical manifestation of pain and sin.  I am experiencing great loss and suffering right now.   I was living in sin with a woman for 3.5 years.  I should have married her.  We split up.  As soon as she left, I knew she was the love of my life.   She married another, a man whom I can not respect, and can barely pray for. (trust me on this he's a real turd).  My pain is physical.  The heartache palpable.  The sleeplessness exhausting.   So I get the concept of physical manifestation of pain.  But, I do not expect that my suffering will result in her return.   I just pray remembering that living by righteousness is the only chance for me to be happy.   

25 For “you were like sheep going astray,”[f] but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

The key phrase here is returned to the Shepherd, although Overseer of your soul is pretty dang good as well.  I have returned to the Shepherd, if I was ever really there in the first place.   I am his.  I will continue my calling and my silly little on line ministry.   Knowing that he has a plan for my life and trusting that plan.  I can't imagine a life with out her, but now I pray for his direction and him to reveal a plan for me.   I let him oversee my life.  But I still pray prayers of my hearts desire.  "thy will be done,  but Lord please, please fill her heart again with love for you, make her the brave woman she once was.  Give her the courage to break the cycle and keep herself and her children safe.  And if you could make her return to me... that would be awesome."  

My pastor talked about beating God's door down with prayer.  I compare that to the concept of shepherd and overseer.  He talked about our deepest Godly desires being answered, if we are truly filled with faith.  The problem with that line of thinking is that what you are supposed to desire most is God's will.  So that creates a phenomenological paradox.  If you pray for God's will above all else then what ever happens can be seen as Gods will.   A paradox.   So yes I pray for God's will and guidance in my life.  But I also pray constantly for her heart to return to the Lord, and for her to return to me.  But is praying for the end of a marriage a Godly prayer?  I pray for God's guidance regarding that.  Certainly there are mitigating factors of safety, dishonesty, unholiness, and cruelty.  But I don't know the answer,  so I trust in my overseer, and shepherd.  I know if God grants me the chance I will hold on to her and honor her forever.  If he does not I will love her from a far.  She was the one.  So that you don't think me a complete fool,  know that she has shared her continuing love for me as well, but does not know what to do.   So pray for her to return to the Lord, he will guide her.    And if you love someone, truly love them, don't be a dope, marry them.

Its an interesting conundrum in my broken journey.   Yes, many of my posts will lament this situation.  God has guided me to realize that commentary with out application to a real world circumstance can fall on deaf ears.   So please forgive the sappiness.   If it helps one of you avoid the pain I am dealing with, then I will count my pain as a blessing.  

How I pray now....

How I pray now has changed.   First of all, I actually believe in God and experience his presence in my life, and in my heart.    And when he is clear with me, I listen.  Here is an example.  I keep praying for the release of my feelings about my ex.  She is the love of my life and I should have married her.  I didn't, things got rough, and she left me and married someone else.  With no time for healing, with no time for grieving.  She married some guy she used to date.  And he is a nightmare.  I wont go into details, that isn't fair.  But lets just say she and her kids are in an unsafe situation.  She's just not herself.

So what can I do,  realizing the depth of my love too late?  All I can do is pray,  and I do.  But I am also a human being with needs and the desire to be free of pain.  So I keep trying to pray for god to remove my feelings for her.  Make everything tollerable.   And I cant even think the words... please God release me from... BOOM NO.  Ok,  I get it you wont release me from her.  So, can I have her back?...nothing...  Can you make her whole, and heal her?  My time not yours... sooner than you think, longer than you want.  Ok,  well in that case can you please help her out of this terrible situation?  nothing... Can you protect her from her choices?...nothing  Is she still your plan for my life...I still have a plan for you two.    Ok is that plan marriage?  nothing....   Can I love her?  you already do.

Now understand I don't actually hear the words.  I'm not that crazy...  It is more of an impression that floods me.  When I hear a voice...unfortunately it is usually my own desires.  When I get an immediate impression I trust that it is God.   So this is what I kinda think now that I am learning to trust.   Somethings God is clear with you on.  Somethings the answer will be so clear and you will know what his will is for you.  Somethings you get to choose, and work on.  Apparently,  there is more work for us to so, I'm not getting released.  There is a plan for us still, but it is up to us to decide what that is, and what it could become.   He may not be protecting her from her bad choices, or that is not for me to know.  But there is definitely something still that involves the two of us...

So yeah, that sucks.  I want prayer to work like this.  Dear god,  heal her send her home, make her clean of all of the choices she has made,  make here wholy mine again, and if she could pick up a pizza on the way that would be great.

But prayer doesn't work like that.   All I know now is that I have to keep loving her.  That there is something more that involves both of us.  And that our choices will determine our futures.  I cant choose for her.  All I can do is love and support.  For the time being from a far.  But hopefully, someday in my arms again.  If not... Ill keep praying and we'll see what happens. One thing is clear... he is in charge not me.

Hope that helps you in your praying.  The key is don't BS yourself and don't try to tell god what to do.  Just ask, ask for the deepest desires of your heart.  he tends to grant those prayers.

Rough weekend prayer

Dear Lord

You know the deepest desires of my heart
The wanting of my soul
if you can help her please please I'm begging you,  She seems to be walking away from everything she is, everything she believes in, Lord this isn't her... please heal her Lord
she is not herself- lord pull her from this haze, you can restore her instantly
she is defending a monster-Lord open her eyes, keep her safe make her as brave as she once was.
she is putting her children at risk - Lord protect them
she is putting herself at risk - Lord keep her clean and free of disease

But i realize lord that I am saying she and her  a lot.
when I should be saying I...

I ask for the strength to keep praying for the people I love
I ask for comfort and ease for my heart - the pain is terrible
I ask for the courage to face my problems with honesty and integrity

I have prayed for release - and you say no, not yet
I have prayed to have her back - and you say no, not yet
Lord give me the patience to wait on you.