How I pray now has changed. First of all, I actually believe in God and experience his presence in my life, and in my heart. And when he is clear with me, I listen. Here is an example. I keep praying for the release of my feelings about my ex. She is the love of my life and I should have married her. I didn't, things got rough, and she left me and married someone else. With no time for healing, with no time for grieving. She married some guy she used to date. And he is a nightmare. I wont go into details, that isn't fair. But lets just say she and her kids are in an unsafe situation. She's just not herself.
So what can I do, realizing the depth of my love too late? All I can do is pray, and I do. But I am also a human being with needs and the desire to be free of pain. So I keep trying to pray for god to remove my feelings for her. Make everything tollerable. And I cant even think the words... please God release me from... BOOM NO. Ok, I get it you wont release me from her. So, can I have her back?...nothing... Can you make her whole, and heal her? My time not yours... sooner than you think, longer than you want. Ok, well in that case can you please help her out of this terrible situation? nothing... Can you protect her from her choices?...nothing Is she still your plan for my life...I still have a plan for you two. Ok is that plan marriage? nothing.... Can I love her? you already do.
Now understand I don't actually hear the words. I'm not that crazy... It is more of an impression that floods me. When I hear a voice...unfortunately it is usually my own desires. When I get an immediate impression I trust that it is God. So this is what I kinda think now that I am learning to trust. Somethings God is clear with you on. Somethings the answer will be so clear and you will know what his will is for you. Somethings you get to choose, and work on. Apparently, there is more work for us to so, I'm not getting released. There is a plan for us still, but it is up to us to decide what that is, and what it could become. He may not be protecting her from her bad choices, or that is not for me to know. But there is definitely something still that involves the two of us...
So yeah, that sucks. I want prayer to work like this. Dear god, heal her send her home, make her clean of all of the choices she has made, make here wholy mine again, and if she could pick up a pizza on the way that would be great.
But prayer doesn't work like that. All I know now is that I have to keep loving her. That there is something more that involves both of us. And that our choices will determine our futures. I cant choose for her. All I can do is love and support. For the time being from a far. But hopefully, someday in my arms again. If not... Ill keep praying and we'll see what happens. One thing is clear... he is in charge not me.
Hope that helps you in your praying. The key is don't BS yourself and don't try to tell god what to do. Just ask, ask for the deepest desires of your heart. he tends to grant those prayers.
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